1. Y'all
   C’mon
2. Cowboy
   Horse

Everyone who has stepped a foot into the great state of Texas knows that y'all is the all-important second-person plural used whenever addressing more than one person. If you ever address a group and fail to use y'all, as in “you guys” or “you all” or, God forbid, “you’se guys,” you will be immediately outed as not Texan.

1. He’s got a sink full of dishes.
   Looks like somebody doesn’t have his boots on the right feet.
2. He’s all hat and no cattle.
   He’s got one hand on a fishing pole and the other on a can.

The true Texan response is, “He’s all hat and no cattle.” This phrase fits like a boot on Texan culture, where you see “cowboys” everywhere, but you can tell that it’s just an outfit, and they’re not about to set foot on a ranch.

1. Quit yer bickerin’
   Quit yer fussin’
2. Quit yer b$@%#ing
   Quit yer caterwaulin’

The Texas dictionary would say that “Quit yer caterwauling” is the correct response here. The regular dictionary says that a “caterwaul” is a shrill howling or wailing noise, like the ones that cats make late at night when you’re trying to sleep. Texans know that’s how it sounds when someone won’t shut up about work that just needs to get done.

1. It fell over.
   It tumped over.
2. It done fell.
   I spilled it.

The can clearly “tumped over.” A Texan doesn’t spill their own can, especially not whilst playing darts. Sometimes cans have a tendency to tump over, and it just ain’t your fault. It sure is a crying shame though.

1. Billy got holed last night.
   Billy had a few too many last night.
2. Ooowee, Billy was sauced last night.
   Billy was not responsible last night.

Oh, Billy, he’s always getting “sauced” at the dance hall. Urban Dictionary even knows that this is the correct term for someone who is “really really extremely intoxicated,” so they must be based in Texas.

1. Mmmmhmm
   You’re right about that.
2. I’m in accord.
   Sher-nuff

“Sher-nuff” is Texan for “sure enough” and is not really ever spelled out. This is the spoken language in Texas for showing assent, communicating that you’re on the same page, and sometimes, trying to signal that you get it, and your friend can stop telling what to do now.

1. Don’t have a conniption!
   Quit freakin’ out!
2. Stop yer’ sassin’
   Get over it!

“Don’t have a conniption!“ is Texas lingo for “get over it” or “calm down.” A “conniption,” says the dictionary, is “informal, North American” for a “fit of rage or hysterical excitement. “North American” means “Texan.”

1. May God bless them.
   I love them dearly.
2. But their mother probably still loves them.
   My my

As anyone who has spent time in rural Texas knows, “bless their little heart” is not as kind or as simple as it seems on the face value. This phrase holds many meanings and can certainly be used as a term of affection. More often, though, it’s said to dampen the harshness of nasty gossip by acting kind.

1. You can do this.
   Git ‘er done!
2. I’ll help you.
   You can probably take it to the shop.

“Git ‘er done” is a very versatile phrase in Texas parlance, whose essential meaning is “Get her done, get the job finished.” Frequently, it means “you can do this” or “let’s do this.” Larry the Cable Guy made the phrase famous, but he probably learned it in Texas.

1. Tougher’n a stick
   Dumber’n dirt
2. Uglier’n sin
   Stupider’n a stump

In Texas, you really don’t want someone’s grandpa to say that you’re “dumber’n dirt.” This statement has the equivalency of being called absolutely worthless, stupid, waste of time, waste of space. It’s not a “y’all come back now, ya hear?”

1. Spittin’ mad
   Livid
2. Madder’n hell
   Furious

If someone hit you on a rural highway and didn’t even have the common Texas decency to stop and see if everything is alright, then you’d likely be “spittin’ mad.” This phrase means what it sounds like: so angry that you feel like spitting on something or someone.

1. Get out of this house.
   I disagree.
2. I’m not sure what you mean.
   Absolutely right

“Darn tootin’” is Texan for “you’re absolutely right.” The phrase, according to the Word Detective, comes from a combination of a euphemism for “damn” and “tooting,” as in tooting a horn. This originally used to mean “you’re so right so should shout it from the mountain tops, blow the horns so everyone can hear you.”

1. Somebody has very sticky hands.
   Somebody got caught doing something highly desirable but likely against the rules.
2. Somebody was serving toast.
   Somebody is Winnie the Pooh.

The “honey pot” signals something highly desirable and possibly tasty and possibly also sticky. As the phrase intimates, getting “caught” means something illicit is going on, and someone got stuck with their hand in it.

1. I’m so happy for you.
   I’m not sure they’re the right fit.
2. I’m so surprised I don’t have words for it.
   Not much

The expression, common in some Texas circles, “I’ll be a monkey’s uncle,” expresses great surprise in a humorous way. The World Wide Word’s researchers speculate that the phrase actually hearkens back to the turn of the 20th century, as people were digesting Darwin’s surprising connections between monkeys and humans.

1. It’s OK, they’re just throwing a tantrum.
   They’re just having a bad day.
2. They’re throwin’ a hissy.
   They’re just having a come apart.

The Texan term for a tantrum that fits this setting is “a come apart.” The phrase beautifully describes what happens in a tantrum — everything comes apart at the seams and you’re left picking up all the pieces.

1. She’s gonna take your hat off your head.
   She’s gonna take your car keys away.
2. She’s gonna pull all your hair out.
   She’s gonna shave her head.

If your mother tells you she’s “gonna snatch you bald-headed,” you better shape up or run. She means she’s going to grab you by the hair and pull it all out. It’s a violent threat, but apparently a common thing to say.

1. The authorities that can hold you back
   The illness going around
2. The bad weather
   Your low self-esteem

The “hoosegow” literally refers to prison or jail, but the word is used figuratively to stand in for the authorities that are out to get you and hold you back from what you want to do or what needs to be done.

1. Fat as a cow
   Clumpy
2. Big as a house
   A biggin’

Every now and then, you may hear a Texan who doesn’t quite have the Texan charm and hospitality, whisper to an equally improper friend that someone is “big as a house.” There’s not a lot to unpack here; it’s just a statement of size.

1. A shindig
   A fiesta
2. A party
   A hoe down

Folks in Texas may invite you to a “shindig” if they’re having a party. The word comes from the early 19th century when it morphed from the word “shindy.” A “shindy” was a rowdy party, but the word originally just referred to a big commotion.

1. If they really wanted gum
   If they dropped a wrench on their foot
2. If their team just won the football game
   If they were really hungry

When a person exclaims, “Dad gum it!” they’re expressing extreme frustration or sometimes pain. The phrase began as a way to avoid saying, “God damn it!” in the 1940s. The expression is often associated with dads, a dad joke unto itself.

1. Going to
   G’wana
2. Fixin’ to
   About to

A true Texan would be most likely to use “fixin to” to describe an event that they planned to attend soon. Even though the words literally mean the same as “about to” or “planning to,” the connotation can be slightly, if ambiguously, different.

1. I’ve got a cold.
   I ain’t feelin’ it.
2. I’m havin’ a sick spell.
   I’m sickern’ a dog.

Lizzie probably told her boss that she was having a “sick spell.” The word spell designates an “indefinite period of time,” which is precisely what you need when you need to call in, and you don’t know how long you’ll be sick.

1. What a gorgeous dress!
   Wow, that’s hideous.
2. Can I try that on?
   Hey girl.

While “Idn’t that niiiice” could possibly mean lots of different things, the context here would lead a Texan to believe that Tasha was actually trashing her frenemy’s outfit while trying to appear to be kind to her.

1. They’ve been rode hard and put up wet.
   They’ve been multiplying in groves.
2. They fell outta the saddle.
   They shouldn't have done it.

Texans often use the phrase “rode hard and put up wet” to describe someone who looks like they’ve had a rough go of it. Like many Texas sayings, it goes back to horse riding terminology. A horse that’s been ridden hard and put away wet has not been cared for well.

1. Till the cows come home
   Till the sun shines
2. Till the break of day
   Till the moon is up

Texas high school graduates, at least in some rural regions, will be more’n likely to stay out “till the cows come home” on graduation night. The cows come home in the early hours of the morning because they need to be milked.

1. To help put up a barn
   To help knock down a barn
2. To help bring in the hay
   To party hard

Texans use the term “barn raisin’” to describe a major throwdown party. Back in the day, the community would gather to help a neighbor erect a barn and then would all celebrate the hard-earned completion. Now it’s mostly just a party.

1. There must be something wrong with them.
   They’re just not riiiight.
2. Somethin’s funny.
   Something smells fishy.

A Texan may judge a person who seems off, especially if that person has entered an intimate community establishment, like a BBQ joint, and will signal that the person does not fit in with the damning “just not riiight” comment.

1. Were you raised under a wolf?
   Close the door!
2. What’s the matter with you?
   Were you raised in a barn?

If you leave that door open one more time, Grandma is going to level the accusatory, “Were you raised in a barn?” in your direction. Barn doors, of course, were often left open intentionally to let the animals in or out.

1. Each time you don’t eat an egg a chicken dies.
   Well s&#* the bed!
2. Oh, dang!
   You messed up this one.

As vulgar as it may be, certain Texans will sometimes actually say “Well s&#* the bed!” to show that someone has really royally messed up a situation. This is a clear way to gesture toward an epic fail, but may not be appropriate in some settings.

1. Nope, it depends on the context.
   You’re so sweet.
2. You’re actually kind of a jerk but I don’t want to say that.
   I’m hungry.

Like so many Texan idioms, “you’re a real peach” has different innuendos depending on the context and the tone in which it’s delivered. People use this to say both “Thanks” and “Thanks, jerk.” You have to pay close attention.

1. A backstabber
   A snake in the grass
2. A goat in an ant hill
   A mole in a field

A person who seems nice enough at first and then bites you on the ankle is known in Texas as a real “snake in the grass.” This makes perfect sense in a state where grass is full of potential for a venomous snake to ruin your day.

1. Mad as hell
   Mad as pie
2. Madder’n a wet hen
   Madder than a hatter

Burning up brisket is no joke. Smoking a brisket to perfection takes a full 15 hours of labor. And if you fall asleep on the job, you may well get “madder’n a wet hen.” Hens, in Texas at least, do not like to be wet.

1. Furious-er than a frog outta water
   Grumpier’n a goose
2. Meaner’n a rattlesnake
   Hotter’n a coal

You just don’t want to be around that neighbor if they suspect foul play in the leaf-blowing department. There’s a very specific etiquette around leaf-blowing. And when someone messes it up, the neighbor is “meaner’n a rattlesnake,” which is deadly of course.

1. They’re going to shake hands on the deal.
   They’re going to lift weights.
2. They’re going to fight.
   They’ll probably go back for another drink.

When Billy heard Joe say something about his wife behind his back, he got “bowed up.” The idiom here gives a clear image of a body that’s pulled taut and ready to spring into a fight. The phrase can also be used for a plethora of reasons, including being so busy you can’t even take a bathroom break.

1. Who’re these folks?
   They’re not from aroun' here.
2. Welcome folks.
   Howdy neighbor.

This is a quintessential Texperience, and if you don’t know the feeling, then you haven’t been in enough small diners on country highways. When a stranger walks in, the sentiment that’s thick in the air is, “they’re not from aroun’ here.”