M*A*S*H: Who Said It?

Becky Stigall

Image: CBS

About This Quiz

If you're a "M*A*S*H" fan, and who isn't, you've probably seen every episode... twice (at least). Assuming you hung on every word, you should be able to match each quote to the character who said it. Let's get started!

Which character said, "Due to circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today"?

Although we never saw them (or did we?), PA announcements were made by Todd Susman and Sal Viscuso. Guess we should add PA announcer as an option.

Which character scolded Radar by saying, "Will you stop saying what I'm thinking?"

Colonel Henry Blake was portrayed by McLean Stevenson.

Which weaselly character said, "It's nice to be nice... to the nice"?

Hey, "weaselly" is Hawkeye's description of Burns, not ours!

Which character said, "You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size 12 pumps"?

Dr. Sidney Freedman said these words to Klinger, who, as we all know, wasn't really nuts, but you can't blame a guy for trying.

Which camp leader spoke the words, "Please excuse these two, they're themselves today"?

Who COULD he possibly have been talking about? Hmmm.

Which character said, "That's not my department, sir - intelligence is something I try to avoid"?

Oh dear, Frank stuck his foot in his mouth again!

Which character said, "Due to a lack of casualties, today's midnight movie will be shown at 9:00 in the morning... And midnight has been canceled"?

Yup, we're counting the PA Announcer as a character. Why not?

Which character lamented, "I'm too frightened to be scared"?

Hawkeye, played by Alan Alda, really was one of the bravest men on television.

Which character quipped, "I think he's vacuuming Korea. Eisenhower's coming; he wants everything just so"?

Hawkeye spoke these words in response to B.J.'s query, "What's Frank up to?"

Which character noted, "I call it 'Suicide by Salami'"?

Colonel Potter observed that Klinger was trying to exit the war by eating his way to freedom.

Which character observed, "You're always wrong, Frank. That's what's so right about you"?

Sure, any character could have, would have, said this, but it was Colonel Blake who made this observation.

Which character said "They don't respect human life the way we do. I'd like to take him out and shoot him"?

Only Frank could have said these words.

Which character said, "Spontaneity has its time and its place"?

Yup, another Frank-ism. We're going to start calling them Frank-isms.

Which character lamented. "I'm so cold I think my pilot's gone out"?

Need context on this? Hawkeye said it after asking Margaret to blow in his ear. Now it makes sense!

Which character noted, "Insanity is just a state of mind"?

Another brilliant philosophical observation from Hawkeye. "M*A*S*H" was full of them.

Which character ranted, "It's a recurring nightmare with popcorn"?

Hey, it's hard to watch the same movie over and over again!

Which character teased, "Margaret, I'm honored, touched... and aroused"?

Do you remember Hawkeye's full name? It's Benjamin Franklin Pierce.

Which character claimed, "See these fresh oranges? They don't grow on trees, you know"?

The character of Cpl. Igor Straminsky was played by Jeff Maxwell (and occasionally by Peter Riegert).

Which character announced, "Report to the Big Top immediately; the circus is about to begin"?

The PA Announcer was really quite witty.

Which character said, "Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I have to figure out which one"?

Colonel Potter said this to Frank Burns. We know which one was nuts.

Which character said, "We interrupt your sweet dreams to bring you the following nightmare"?

Seriously, those announcements probably caused nightmares. Not to mention that war that was happening.

Which character scolded, "Act like a man, you sniveling twerp"?

Ah, sweet Margaret. She and Frank had a unique relationship.

Which character said, "You're not going to write your mother again"?

The full quote is, "Aw, Frank... you're not going to write your mother again." Trapper said this in response to Frank's "I'm taking this to a higher authority."

Who critiqued, "Did anyone ever tell you, you have the voice of a songbird slowly drowning in tar?"

Hawkeye spoke these kind words to Houlihan. Not nice, Hawkeye!

Which character said proudly, "We like it. It's modeled after the Chicago sewer system"?

Hawkeye was speaking lovingly of the Swamp.

Which character said, "I wonder if I can say something useful"?

Seriously Frank, why do you even try?

Which character noted, "Oh, Frank. You're so above average"?

Um... Margaret, was that a compliment?

Which character said, "Frank, whatever it is, just write it down and put it on my desk where I can't find it"?

Nice one, Colonel! Probably many of us can relate.

Which character quipped, "Been shaving your legs again, Frank"?

Seriously, any of the Swamp dwellers could have said this, but it was Hawkeye.

Which character announced, "Out of the frying pan and into the O.R."?

Did we give it away by saying "announced"?

Which character said, "Uh, I ran out of ice sir, so I used bourbon"?

The character of Radar was played by Gary Burghoff.

Which character threatened, "Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee"?

Well, we know who wore the pants in that relationship.

Which character scolded, "Have you ever considered renting your mouth out to the motor pool as a garage"?

The character of B.J. Hunnicutt was played by Mike Farrell. We really never do find out what B.J. stands for.

Which character snorted, "Where is that Lebanese mongoose?"

The character of Major Charles Emerson Winchester III was played by David Ogden Stiers.

Which character said, "Due to the shortage of oil and wood, tonight's movie will be burned at 1800"?

No worries, that was probably the best use of the movie anyway.

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