"You're ridiculous, and men's rights is nothing."
An angry Leslie blurts this out in a speech to a group of men's rights activists.
"Who hasn't made mistakes? I once French-kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12-year-old."
Liz Lemon, no doubt.
"I would never ever go to a strip club. I’ve gone on record that if I had to have a stripper’s name, it would be Equality."
Knope, right before she enters a strip club.
"I am big enough to admit that I'm often inspired by myself."
Leslie generally doesn't have a problem with low self-esteem.
“My mom used to send me articles about how older virgins are considered good luck in Mexico.”
Liz Lemon never tires of referring to her lack of love life.
“I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.”
This is Liz's answer to Tracy's question about her religion.
"I'm going to be direct and honest with you. I would like a glass of red wine, and I'll take the cheapest one you have because I can't tell the difference."
Liz Lemon probably doesn't know much about wine, either, but this is Leslie.
"What if I get drunk and talk about Darfur too much … or not enough? What if I don't bring up Darfur?"
Leslie Knope, worrying about a date.
"We have to decide what's important in life: friends, waffles and work. Or waffles, friends and work. But work has to come third."
Clue: If it involves waffles, chances are Leslie Knope said it.
"I ate a brownie once. At a party in college. It was kind of indescribable, really. It felt like I was floating. It turns out that there wasn't any marijuana in it — it was just an insanely good brownie."
This is Leslie, making it clear that she's never done drugs. (It wouldn't be prudent for someone who wants to be president.)
"One of my New Year's resolutions is to say 'yes'! Yes to love, yes to life, yes to staying in more!"
Eternal volunteer Leslie clearly doesn't need to make this kind of resolution, but Liz does.
"You can't be gay for just one person. Unless you're a lady and you meet Ellen."
Liz says this to Frank when he claims to be "gay for" Jamie, the hot coffee boy.
"No matter what I do, it's like nothing can happen to me. I'm like a white, male U.S. Senator."
Leslie realizes the appeal of being voted out of office.
"And now I am heading home for a nooner — which is what I like to call having pancakes for lunch."
This is totally Liz — everyone knows Leslie eats waffles for lunch.
"I stand by my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things."
This could easily be either, but it's Leslie.
"You are my heroine! And by heroine I mean lady hero. I don't want to inject you and listen to jazz."
Liz says this to her childhood idol, a former TV writer.
"Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at something they love."
Much to Ron's chagrin, Leslie turns out to be a pretty good shot on the office hunting trip.
"I love America. Just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars doesn’t mean I don’t love America."
Liz and Leslie probably have the same political views, but this quote is from Liz.
"Guess who's got two thumbs, speaks limited French and hasn't cried yet today? This <i>moi</i>!"
Unlike Leslie, Liz doesn't do well when she tries to move up the professional ladder. This is what she says when she wanders, crazed and disheveled in a pantsuit, into her former office.
"Did you hear that? Was that the sound of a glass ceiling being shattered?"
It's gotta be Leslie — Liz isn't so interested in getting ahead.
"The thing about youth culture is, I don't understand it."
Liz is also very uneasy around the youth, but this is a Leslie quote.
"One person's annoying is another person's inspiring and heroic."
This is Leslie — Liz doesn't tend to describe herself as inspiring or heroic.
"I believe that all anyone wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich."
That is certainly not what Leslie Knope would want. This is all Liz.
"Lovers … oh, that word bums me out unless it's between meat and pizza."
The pizza reference could be either one, but the key here is Liz Lemon's discomfort with romance.
"What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring really loudly at me."
Classic Knope, making lemons out of the crazies at a Pawnee town meeting.
"I don't think it's really fair for me to be put on jury duty, because I'm a hologram."
Come on, now. There's no way Leslie Knope would ever shirk jury duty.
"You know my code, hoes before bros. Uteruses before duderuses. Ovaries before brovaries."
Liz is pretty uneasy with groups of girlfriends, but Leslie is devoted to her ladies.
"I just want to start a relationship about 12 years in, when you don't have to try anymore and you can just sit around and watch TV and go to bed without anyone trying any funny business."
Liz Lemon is nothing if not lazy.
"You know, fasting can actually clear your mind. In college I once went on a hunger strike to protest apartheid."
This sounds more like something Leslie would do, but this is a Liz Lemon claim.
"There is an 80 percent chance that in the next election, I will tell all my friends I am voting for Barack Obama but I will secretly vote for John McCain."
This is Lemon. There's no way Knope would ever vote Joe Biden out of office.